I’d be lying if I said I have dated some winners. Truth is, I’m as good at choosing a Valentine as my Valentine’s have been at choosing gifts. Every February 15th, you can find me in the holiday aisle of my local drug store, buying myself some discount chocolates to help candy coat (pun intended) the pain of the day prior.
A Pad of Paper
Yup, sheets of paper stuck together with glue. You see, I was in junior high and it was a big deal that I had landed a date that had less acne than the general school population. Problem was, he thought a terrible reproduction of the famous Cherubs of Raphael would be the sort of thing I’d like to see when I take down phone messages. I imagine that today, the equivalent gift would be a Justin Beiber note book, equally as useless and unattractive.
Freezer Fruit Ice Cubes
You’re not going to believe this, but even after the pad of paper fiasco, I wasted another Valentine’s day on the same boy (so young, so naive). This time, he had worked hard to get my locker combination so that he could sneak my gift to me. I was met by a beautiful pink Victoria’s Secret bag…that contained plastic water filled fruit. He had to explain to me that they could be frozen for drinks so that they wouldn’t be diluted by regular ice cubes. I ceremoniously pricked holes in each of those heinous plastic fruits, emptying them before tossing them in the trash and scanning my yearbook for new prospects.
I have a taste for expensive chocolate, sorry boys. Once, I was gifted a gorgeous chocolate heart. I cannot describe just how disappointed I was to crack it open, and find a hollow cavity full of out of date smarties. Nothing says love like a stomach ache, no? At least Pepto-Bismol is festively pink. The best way to avoid this disaster, and gain mad bonus points, is to make some molded chocolate at home. Try Nadia’s bacon chocolate!
This novelty is a favourite with people who love nibbling candy more than people, and for those with irrational cotton fears. For those of you who have never had the “privilege” or receiving one, it’s like a scantily cut fruit roll-up. Do I feel like getting that sticky, red dyed mess on my behind? Not entirely, no. Not to mention the less than flattering cuts, one size fits all production and those chewing noises you’d have to endure if you actually let someone eat it off of you. If you feel so inclined, there’s a DIY video that’ll let you at least choose your candy flavours.
Boys, don’t let the pressure to live up to this holiday empty your wallet on rigid stuffed animals, fake flowers (fresh are much better), or anything containing the word “wuv.” Show your love the other 364 days of the year, and chances are, this date won’t matter so much.
By: Eva Severed