Testing 1-2-3 Testing 1-2-3: INSANITY

| Tuesday, 21 September 2010 14:00

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Should I or shouldn’t I? It’s 3:33AM and I can’t sleep. The good girl in me is yelling, “Don’t do it! Don’t be mean!” the bad girl in me is yelling, “Do it! Do it now and do it hard!” I give in to the bad girl in me; I reach over to my nightstand, grab my fly swatter, and swat the hell out of my boyfriend who I affectionately call Mr. McSnorey Face.

Completely unfazed, he rolls over, shoots me a dirty look, and goes back to snoring the night away. Seeing as sleep is nothing but a sweet unattainable dream for me tonight I decide to plop myself in front of the TV and hope that sleep finds me somewhere between plotting my revenge and infomercials for the Magic Bullet.

Surfing through the channels, I suddenly stop at one and there I am faced with the most frightening sight ever; a group of people in a gymnasium with pained looks on their faces as they exercise in pools of their own sweat and tears while getting screamed at by a large man named Shaun T.

“DIG DEEPER PEOPLE! PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!” He yelled at them with such a force that my entire condo shook.

It was an infomercial for the INSANITY 60 Day Workout Program whose tag line is “Get Fit or Get Out.” The program boasts that it will get you the most insane body without any weights or equipment. This has to be a joke, or maybe some kind of horror film, I thought to myself.  This Shaun T dude is kicking people out of the gym because they weren’t working hard enough. These people are dropping like flies, screaming, and crawling to their water bottles! Why would anyone do this? Maybe they’re nuts? No, they’re insane.

I was just about to turn the TV off and put an end to the torture I was witnessing, when they showed the before and after pictures. Dang. I was impressed. The pictures looked legit too. Then I thought about it: How can you NOT develop such a kick-ass body in 60 days when your daily workout routine leaves you looking and feeling like you’ve spent the last hour running away from Jason Voorhees…in a hurricane…followed by a Tsunami? Blame it on the lack of sleep, or blame it on the fact that I too am a little nutso, but I wanted to try this program out.

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A couple of weeks later, I have the DVD program in hand and Mr. McSnorey Face and I mentally prepare ourselves to get INSANE! The INSANITY workout program comes with 10 workout routines, the Elite Nutrition Plan, a Fitness Guide, the INSANITY Calendar, and free online support tools. Of course, the first thing I grab is the Elite Nutrition Plan because if Shaun T expects me to eat nothing but rice cakes and celery sticks he’s got something else coming! Turns out, the meals are awesome. We’ve got steak, hamburgers, smoked salmon, and pasta! I’m excited to get started.

I pop in the first DVD called “Dig Deeper & Fit Test”. “Dig Deeper” ran through some of the exercises I would be doing and demonstrated the proper form to use in order to avoid injury. The “Fit Test” is just that – a test to see how fit you truly are. There are eight exercises that you have to perform for one minute each. The goal is to do as many reps as you can during that time and record your numbers so you can track your progress throughout the program. Sounds easy enough.

I get through the first three exercises ok and by ‘ok’ I mean I’m crying, sweating, and unable to catch my breath. Exercise four – power jumps – comes along and there I am lying motionless on the floor, wondering if I should go towards the light to where Jesus is waving at me. I haven’t even started the actual workout program and I’m already down and out! That’s quite a kick to the ego but it did bring me some comfort to see that my bodybuilder boyfriend had passed out too.

The next 60 days were the hardest of my life. It hurt to walk, it hurt to eat, and God forbid I accidentally dropped something because it wouldn’t get picked up. Just hearing the words dig and deeper in the same sentence would cause me to shake uncontrollably. I started to fantasize about meeting Shaun T and giving him the thrashing of his life.  Instead, I resorted to screaming profanities at Shaun T during my workouts. I’m not immature, I’m awesome.

At the end of the 60 days Mr. McSnorey Face had lost 20 pounds, increased his cardio, and his flexibility.

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I increased my cardio – which was awesome – increased my flexibility, which was twice as awesome, and gained 5 pounds! WTF? Yup. That’s right, I gained weight. Don’t give me that “you probably gained muscle” crap because I am now sporting a JLo butt and my pants refuse to zip up! What the hell!? Sure I’m stronger, my cardio is better, and I can kick my boyfriend’s ass, but I want to look good naked!

INSANITY is the hardest workout of your life and you will notice changes in your body and possibly your mind (with the hallucinations and all.) But besides the newfound appreciation for cursing at the television, the changes won’t be as drastic as those seen in the infomercial, unless of course you’re Mr. McSnorey Face.

By: Melissa Chiocca

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