Thursday, 25 October 2012 10:00
Kulture Halloween Treats You Can Keep
It’s Halloween and that can only mean two things: trick or treating and scandalously dressed attention-seeking hussies parading the streets in their stripper’s best. I digress, that’s another article coming up tomorrow. Let’s focus. Trick or Treating: what not to give out to the kiddies.
Listen, buddy. Maybe you didn’t get the memo, or maybe you’re a dentist, but a toothbrush is NOT an acceptable treat on Halloween. If you’re giving out toothbrushes on this glorious night of over indulgence you need to ask yourself two things: 1) would you have wanted a toothbrush when you were 8 years old? and 2) when did you decide you’d be the Debbie Downer of candy night? Either way, you have issues. You should talk to someone. Let the kids have their cavities!
Does that 5 year old dressed as the green Power Ranger look like a homeless person to you? Unless he has a Unicef box tied around his neck, please do not pitch pennies in to his loot bag. Old people have been doing this for years, thinking that 4 cents still buys something. Well, it doesn’t. And while I’d likely say thank you to your face as a kid (because my momma brought me up right) I warned other children to skip your house because all they would get were 4 pennies, some lint, and maybe a candy wrapped in old Kleenex (ew).
Pencils (and Pencil Caps)
I’m pretty sure you can’t eat pencils. I’ve tried, they don’t taste good. Also, no one is stoked that they’ve saving on pencil buying thanks to Halloween. In fact, kids hate getting pencils for Halloween. They weren’t the awesome kind of pencil that we stole from each other during recess or lunch. You know, the good quality HP pencil every kid wanted? Dark and super smooth when you’d print. Those were the good pencils, not the crappy Halloween themed ones people gave out – all light and slippery on loose-leaf paper. Horrible. If you insist on giving pencils out, make sure they’re quality pencils, otherwise you’re up in the penny-giver category, bud.
Ahhh, Sun Maid. For a while you were cool. But as I got older, the idea of playing “giant girl eating miniature sized box of raisins” became less and less magical. By seven years old, I wanted some real candy. But each year, Mrs. Allard would continue to give out these treats and so, I began skipping her house. This saddened Mrs. Allard and made me feel horribly guilty. The morning after she would glance at me with a somber look in her eye as I munched on my mars bar, salted vinegar chip and tootsie roll sandwich as I played in the back yard. And so I began eating my treats inside, away from Mrs. Allard. Soon, we barely even spoke anymore. Moral of the story? Raisins ruin relationships.
So you thought giving out peanuts for Halloween would score you some points with the neighborhood kids? We bet that kid who had to stab himself with insulin and be rushed to the emergency thinks you’re real swell. As a child, I hated you peanut givers. Never in all of Halloween history, did any kid rush to the house that was giving out individual peanuts. Never. Not to mention that those random peanuts were a real bitch to filter out of our Halloween pillow cases, leaving peanut shavings all over the table and floor. Argh. Here’s a plan: save your cash and just leave the lights off this Halloween. Please.
It’s time to be honest with yourselves Halloween partakers. If you’re planning on decorating the house and giving out treats, don’t be lame. We were all kids once and therefore, there is no excuse for your inability to offer up some awesome treats. Heck, kids even prefer those orange and black wrapped taffy pieces of crap to the heinous things mentioned above. Get with it!
By: Angelique Picanco