Suppose, hypothetically, that you’re looking for a gorgeous, first-class sculpture of the female pubic anatomy on Etsy, the world’s premier online source of handmade artistic crafts. In such a marketplace, it’s important that one exercise discretion. You can’t just go along snapping up the first clay pussy that comes along. Caveat emptor, you know?
To demonstrate, we made a list of common household items that one might seek to acquire on Etsy, then did some research into the offerings. You might think we’d encourage you to support these merchants if you like their wares, but we don’t. We’d rather you buy our stuff instead.
1. Vagina sculpture
BEST: This homage to the female form, whose creator challenges you to “embrace the vagina as a symbol of strength, power, and beauty.”
WORST: This glitter-heavy pussy painted onto what appears to be a testicle.
2. Wizard cape
BEST: This 100-percent wool, Ukrainian-made medieval mage cloak, which might inspire you to exclaim to a friend who purchased it: “I don’t know why you spent 220 bucks on a cloak, bro, but that thing is the tits.”
WORST: This almost-passable white linen cape that seems to be made of a drapecloth and might function well if you paint houses for a living, but with magic! (ON SALE)
BEST: This surprisingly cute line of “cock cozies” (aka “penis mittens”), by Etsy user BobiCreations, which wraps your dong in yarny goodness. Which actually sounds rather uncomfortable. Featuring, among others: rocket ship, banana, elephant, trouser snake, and “one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple pussy eater.” Washer and dryer safe, thank god. Customizable up to 9 inches at no added cost.
WORST: This “8-bit dick scarf,” which looks like some kind of knitted USB charger with hairy balls. Really hairy balls.
4. Gun rack
BEST: This 10-gun rack farmed, milled, and constructed by Woodcraft Redefined. Made of cherry wood with a fold-out table for ammo (or refreshments or ashtrays or your Morning Glory Fizz). Even if you don’t own a gun, let alone many that would necessitate an entire rack, you have to admit it’s a nice piece of hardware.
WORST: This amurican monstrosity. Are you mental? (“Decortive Gun Rack,” $225.)
5. Nymph crown
BEST: Felt, lace, flowers, feathers, satin, and a set of real antlers? You will be the goddamned belle of the forest ball in this mythical, German-made Black Forest headdress. That still doesn’t mean the clock makes any sense.
WORST: This thing that is plastic and horrifying. Nymphs are about the forest and life and vitality, not disassembled Walmart leis. Want to know what makes nymphs cry?
Is that hot glue?
6. Sexy lingerie
BEST: Does this count as lingerie? And, unrelated, does anyone have $1,200 to spare?
WORST: You can put anything you want on these panties, but the store owner has these suggestions: “I can either put something on the front or side of the panties or across the butt or BOTH. Some ideas are shown in the photos and other examples include ‘Future Mrs…’ ‘Property of John’ ‘Michael’s Sexy lil Slave’…the possibilities are endless!” So is the sexism!
7. Steampunk goggles
BEST: These fucking beauties, which will set you back $255. Why? Because they feature adjustable apertures and interchangeable, colored lenses. They’re made of leather, brass, aluminum, and stainless steel.
WORST: These “vintage steampunk goggles” biggest selling point is that they are on a decorative gourd. Killer gourd.
photos via Etsy, posted by their respective store owners