With Thanksgiving and Christmas already around to remind us of all the things we have to appreciate in life, we here at Bitchin’ Lifestyle think it’s equally important to have a chance to complain about all the stuff that sucks too. So, in the spirit of this week’s theme of things that piss us off, here are a few of the more annoying trends that really grinded my gears in 2009.
Exhibitionist Couples
I actually have no problem whatsoever with public displays of affection. Only with public displays of dry humping. I don’t care how into each other you are, when holding hands and kissing in a mall turns into a blush-inducing, crotch-grinding fiesta of jungle love, I feel it my duty to call you out. Loudly.
After New Year’s of last year, I was at a department store waiting in the exchange line with all the other people who had gotten things that were ugly or didn’t fit for Christmas. The line felt like it was taking forever, people were becoming sweaty and irritated and there seemed to be no end in sight. Behind me stood a mother and her daughter who I estimated to be about eight. In front of me, a young couple in their very early twenties who were obviously pretty into one another. Before long the couple began to make out. It started out as small pecks on the lips, soon picked up to French-kissing and finally escalated to a total hands-in-the-hair-earlobe-sucking make out session.
The eight-year-old girl and I were both rolling our eyes at each other making the same “I just ate a lemon face” when the couple took it even further. The girl threw her leg up around the dude’s waist and they started panting and grinding each other like it was Studio 54. Then the guy looked up at me and actually said, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” I did the only thing I could think of, cupped my hand around my mouth and booed as loudly as I could until everyone around was looking and several other people began joining in.
Ridiculous Pants
Baggy pants worn low have obviously been around for a while, and maybe it’s just me, but I feel like lately they’ve gotten even lower, to the point where they’ve completely ceased serving the main function of pants which is to cover people’s asses. This became apparent to me over the summer while playing mini-golf with my girlfriend. There was a guy ahead of us wearing a shirt that wasn’t long enough to cover his butt, and his pants were so low that everyone on the course was treated to a complete view of his boxer shorts that read, “Bootylicious”. Fact: Men cannot be bootylicious, they can only have fat asses. Plus, since his belt was around his knees, his legs were basically tied together and all he could manage was a waddle. He couldn’t even raise his feet high enough to step over the three-inch boundary wall that surrounded the eighth hole and tripped over it and fell.
Also, Emo Guys – Stop wearing skinny black jeans that are tight everywhere except around your butt where the hang all loose and ill-fitted. These pants don’t make you look hip, they just make you look like you crapped yourself and haven’t had a chance to change.
Oversexed Kids
There’s nothing more disturbing to me than a fourteen-year-old girl who thinks she’s Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, even though she’s too young to have seen Basic Instinct and doesn’t know who Sharon Stone is. Today’s kids are pandered to by advertising agencies and media outlets that want to treat them like mini-adults so they can sell them stuff whether the kids are ready for it or not.
What this means for me is that I have to endure subway rides where groups of little girls get on caked in make-up, all wearing pants that say “Juicy” on the butt, and then have giggly conversations where they decide if they should try “Sexting” for the first time that Friday night. I end up finding myself staring at my own shoes a lot and feeling guilty and weird just from being there. I usually just want to buy them all trench coats and tell them to cover up. Way to make me feel like a prudish senior citizen at the age of twenty-seven, girls, thanks.
Obviously this isn’t representative of all kids, but it seems as if the trend is growing, and it creeps me out.
Homeless People Who Own Nicer Stuff Than I Do
Living downtown in a major city, I get asked for change anywhere between one to six times whenever I leave my house. Fine. There are people out there who have fallen on hard times, are hungry, and need help anyway they can get it. Then there are the people who are just damn lazy; like the twenty-somethings who set up shop on street corners with little entertaining signs that read, “Spare change? It’s for beer. I swear,” or, “Ninja’s kidnapped my family. Need $ for Kung-Fu lessons.” As Chris Rock once said, “Don’t give these people money. Real homeless people are too hungry to be funny.” To those, I’m always happy to help whenever I can.
The straw that broke the camel’s back finally came earlier this summer. A guy asked me for change to help feed his dog. When I glanced down at him sitting on the sidewalk, I noticed he wasn’t even looking up at me. Why wasn’t he looking up at me? Because he was too busy watching Terminator f*cking 2 on his portable DVD player. Do you own one of those? I sure don’t. I don’t even own a dog, and yet I’m supposed to give my hard earned money to a guy that’s probably going to use it to help transition his movie collection from regular DVD to Blu-Ray? Go to hell.
Still haven’t gotten your share of petty venting? Check out Angelique’s Top 5 Annoyances.
-Justin Fragapane