Jig/Tap-Dance

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for nude dancing. Waltzes, tangos, salsas, even swing are all acceptable options when it comes to men dancing naked. If you haven’t yet figured out why they’re acceptable, it’s because the male would most likely have a female partner dancing with them – also preferably naked.

But any sort of lone-man-naked-ho-down, even if done for the purposes of comedy, is just a bad idea. Things are flipping and flapping all over the place, in many cases making audible slapping noises as they do so. Also, I don’t know if you’ve ever tried, but it’s nearly impossible to do a jig without pulling a stupid face. So while your partner might laugh, they also might stop having sex with you forever too.

Sneeze/Cough

If it wasn’t made clear enough in the first item, rapid spastic movements aren’t the kind of movements men should aim to make while naked – let alone rapid spastic movements that spray germs across the room and leave them phelgmy or boogery in the process.

A sneeze or a cough is essentially one massive full-body convulsion that you don’t want whoever sees to replay it in their minds in slow-motion at a later time.

Eat Spaghetti

There are a lot of things a man can eat with a clear conscience while naked. Spaghetti is not one of those things. Anytime a naked woman eats something and spills it on herself (ice-cream, pudding, salsa), it almost seems like some sort of automatic invitation at foreplay. Not so much for a man.

Getting a few potato chip crumbs on yourself in bed is one thing. Having globs of tomato sauce and a meatball spill and become entangled in your chest hair is another thing all together.

No one wants to lick that off.

A napkin usually isn’t going to cut it, and nothing screams, “Back away! I’m disgusting!” like having to excuse yourself so you can go wash food out of your bellybutton.

Stoop/Open Leg Squat

These both seem pretty self explanatory as to why they should be avoided. Both positions, depending on where the other person is standing make pretty much everything else disappear except your ass.

Cry

Everyone cries from time to time. A man who sheds tears should never be looked down upon, but many will agree it’s not the most flattering of moments and can border on uncomfortable.

Now take the awkwardness of a scene like that, and take away the clothing. It becomes terrible for all, and the man will seem like a big baby. Not because he’s being a wuss, but because he’s crying and buck-naked.