The Vague Guy
Sure, being generally unclear is pretty much the point of every Missed Connections post, but The Vague Guy does it on a whole other level. As far as his post is concerned, he could be anybody, the person it’s directed at could be anybody and the characteristics he lists describe pretty much everybody. He may as well have not posted anything at all.
Pretty Face – m4w – 30s (Mainland)
You: Saw you getting off the subway, pretty-faced girl with the tidy shoelaces, walking yesterday afternoon like you knew where you were headed.
Me: Average height, medium length brown hair, pants.
I think we’d mesh well. Hit me back…
The Stalker
The Stalker generally directs their frequent posts at someone they see often but probably don’t know personally. Although it’s obvious they’re not on a familiar basis, The Stalker seems to know an unhealthy amount about their prey. They want desperately to be discovered, but ironically, if the object of their affections were ever to see their postings, they would feel an instant compulsion to relocate somewhere less creepy.
Chicken Soup – m4w – (Psychology III 11:30am Room CC-454)
Hey again, saw you in class today. Noticed you got a new notebook. Nice! Anyways, sorry you seemed so sick and sniffly. You were wearing your grey sweat-pants so I figured you were under the weather…or you had yoga. I guess you probably should’ve stayed home, but I’m super glad you didn’t. Maybe you’ll finally see this and reply. I have a great chicken soup recipe I know would lift your spirits. Well, here’s hoping… This is Karl, btw.
The Inside Joker
Not so much a request for love, The Inside Joker is one of the few posters who probably knows and has at least a moderately amicable relationship with the person they’re writing to. This does however beg the question – Why not just call the friend and talk for real in that case? Regardless, whatever the message says, it’s guaranteed to be short, bizarre, and not make a lick of sense to you.
Mr.Sprouts – w4w – (Your Kitchen)
Mr.Sprouts! Out for breakfast this morning and saw a guy eating French toast. Made me think of your Steve Martin impression and that time the kitchen sink wouldn’t drain. Don’t forget – always keep it cranked to 2. Miss you!
The Die-Hard Ex
Broken up but never moved on, the die-hard ex uses Missed Connections as a forum to lament their broken relationship. Whether bitter or sad, these posts are designed to let everyone join in on the misery. Long-winded, and mostly pointless, these folks want everyone to know they loved, they lost, they dwell.
Life Goes On? – w4m – (Lonesometown)
[Three paragraphs in…] Another thing is that I believe the whole time we were together you had someone on the side that would take you back at anytime, why? because they are loosers with no self asteem feeding off their little pathetic bubble because they themself cannot do any better and you know it, they lack gusto, and sex appeal. That would be like trying to play ball at a bowling alley, and I dont appreciate that.
The Guy Looking For Redheads
No mystery here, just a horny dude looking for a redhead. Any redhead. There’s a ton of these guys kicking around, and the open-endedness of the text suggests many of them are just flattering as many redheads as possible in one swoop with the hopes they’ll get lucky and strike red gold.
Lovely Redhead – m4w – (DT Starbucks)
To the redhead holding the Grande – saw you at the Starbucks downtown this morning and haven’t stopped thinking about you since. I’m sorry to say I was too shy to come over and I’ve been regretting it all day. Where’s a time-machine when you need one, huh? lol. At risk of sounding too cheesy, I just wanted you to know, little red-haired girl, that there’s a guy out there who’d love to be your “Charlie Brown”. If you’ll let him.
The Long Shot
Against all odds, the Long Shot will still throw out a virtual invite to even the most unlikely of partners. These postings are doomed before they are even written, and you should always be able to tell a long shot from the title alone.
To The Three Beautiful Blondies – m4w – (North Boulevard – Fri Night)
It doesn’t necessarily have to be all three of you. But at least one or two would be nice. I was the guy shouting at you out of the window of my buddy’s orange Camero. One of you gave me the finger, the other two shouted something back at me but I couldn’t make it out. It was probably your numbers I guess. I’m posting cause everyone deserves a second chance at happiness... Mohitos sometime?
The Terrible Poet
For the moments where normal prose just isn’t awkward enough, the Terrible Poet will shift to verse to make their burning desires known.
Sweet Faerie Madame – m4w – (?)
we let so much goodness flow and flow and flow from our bodies
and when it was all done we were still there and so were our bodies
why do i feel that you could fulfill me?
why does anyone ever waste rhetorical questions on themselves?
will i replace you or are you here to stay, like an itch
if you stay i know i won’t be able to stop scratching
The Tell-Off
Short, sweet and to the point, Tell-Off posts seethe with rage, and yet curiously enough, never really divulge names, and accomplish very little in the way of revenge or embarrassment against their target.
Village Douchebag – w4m – (Village)
Dear M, you scumbag. I know you slept with J. G and K told me they saw you at the club. You are a piece of shit, and I hope you die. You are worthless and have a tiny P.