Handshakes That Are Cooler Than You

Everyone has their own idea of what makes up a standard greeting. But some people instead of just shaking your damn hand, come at you with a handshake so complicated, with all kinds of finger-locks and releases and reverse grips thrown in, that you feel like completing it successfully should get you into a Freemason’s meeting or something.

The girl equivalent is not knowing if they’re coming in for a hug, a cheek kiss, a double cheek kiss, or if they’re especially European, a triple cheek kiss.

Solution: Always make sure you’re the instigator. If they look like they’re going to pull some dramatic handshake on you, beat them to the punch and offer nothing but the fist bump. The fist bump can’t be transitioned into any kind of patty-cake high-five or pull-in hug. It’s as simple as it gets. Same goes for the ladies. Just choose the easiest greeting – the hug – and commit to it. A quick, close hug puts your face well past theirs and eliminates the chance to kiss you an unspecified number of times.

Gas In Public

Yes, it’s disgusting, but it just happens sometimes. Maybe it’s nerves, maybe it’s Mexican food, but you’ve ripped one in public and now you’re forced to deal with the repercussions. Escaping this awkward moment has everything to do with where you are and who you’re with.

Solution: If you’re in a crowd of strangers and your fart is silent, blame it on someone else by looking simultaneously confused and personally offended. If you’re in an elevator with one other person, loud or silent, just don’t make eye contact. They know the score; the best you can do is pretend they don’t exist and it never happened. If you’re feeling brave and want to try your hand at humor, let ten seconds pass and quietly say, “That was you.” Sometimes though, you just have to fess up. If you’re giving a presentation on something important like global warming and happen to squeak one out, look shocked and then explain with a slight grin that it happens to the best of us, legitimately apologize and move on.

Saying Good-Bye To Someone And Then Both Going The Same Way

We’ve all done it. You’ve had a perfectly pleasant conversation with someone, wrapped things up with a fist bump or close hug, said good-bye…and the turned and started walking side-by-side in same direction. Once the first, ‘well-whatda-ya-know!’ laugh is out of the way things will start to get awkward if you don’t make a move quick.

Solution: Flashing a big grin and then power-walking past the person is weird. Flashing a big grin and then walking unnaturally slowly until they pass you is weird too. You basically have three options. You can start taking to them again, but chances are you’ve wrapped up the conversation as well as you could the first time and there’s not a whole lot more to say. You can smile politely until you get an intersection and then veer off and take a longer, less uncomfortable route. But for my money, this is a perfect time for the phone call from no one. Pick up, smile apologetically and let them walk on as you make small talk with your own imagination until they’re out of sight.

Bumping Into Someone Who You Know But Can’t Remember From Where

You turn the aisle in the supermarket and catch sight of a face you definitely know, but have no idea how. Maybe they remember you, maybe you’re both in the same boat, but there’s that inevitable, bizarre moment where you weight the pros and cons of entering into a potentially awkward and unnecessary conversation or ignoring them at risk of seeming rude.

Solution: If they don’t notice you there and you have the chance to bail, you might as well take it. If they do notice you but seem equally unsure, the best thing to do is say hi. You’re obviously not at odds with this person, because you’d remember something like that, so by saying hi, you automatically become the bigger person, and can in no way be accused of snubery later on. Keep conversation brief, vague and under thirty seconds. End with something like, “Good seeing you, but I’d better get this ice-cream to the car before it melts,” and lickety-split, you’re out.

Falling Down For No Reason

If you’re the kind of person who trips over their own feet a lot, or who finds even the smallest cracks in the pavement a walking hazard, you know how stupid it feels to you publicly fall on your ass or face for no apparent reason.

Solution: Bounce back, and bounce back strong. It’s important to understand that unless you’re old or pregnant, the harder you fall and the more hurt you look, the funnier it tends to be for everyone else watching. How do you think Youtube got so big? Pain is pretty funny when it’s not you, so unless something’s broken, it’s your responsibility to play it off like you’re fine. If you’re a crier, have the common sense to wait until you’re alone to break out the waterworks. This is really the best time to force a smile and employ the phrase, “I’m good!” Bonus points, the faster you stand up.