There's a well known expression that states when life throws you lemons, make lemonade. I say when life throws you lemons, grab a bottle of tequila, take a shot, then crack the bottle and aim it at whoever keeps throwing those f@cking lemons. It's the little things that drive me nuts and I'm sure you can all relate. It all comes down to one thing: people. Here are a few wonderfully crappy things that really piss me off.
4am Drunken Phone calls from friends during the week:
You know what I do Tuesday nights at 4am? I sleep. Unless I'm on vacation, my ass is in bed. When my phone rings at 4am my first thought is "Who died?" Phones should not ring at 4am unless it's an emergency. If you're lucky enough to be wasted at 4am on a weeknight, at least wait until the next day to give me one of those "Duuude, I'm so cracked" phone calls. I'll listen and laugh at the appropriate moments, but at 4am when I have to go to work in the morning, I do not wanna hear about it!
People who make racist or prejudicial comments and then follow up with "But I'm not racist":
Well, guess what buddy: if your brain concocted that offensive slur, and it spewed out of your mouth, it may just mean that you're a racist!
Roommates who finish something and put the empty container back in the fridge:
Not only did you drink all of my expensive, impossible to find Vitamin water but you put the empty bottle back in the fridge?! Perfect, there's nothing like two measly drops of roomie-backwash when you're dehydrated and anxiously sucking on an ice-cold, empty bottle.
Tom Cruise:
What's wrong with him? How is it possible that this man always has something to smile about? There must be something in the water at the Scientology compound. This guy plays the same character in every movie; the cocky bastard with a heart of gold. In interviews it's clear Mr. Cruise gets off on hearing himself speak. Enough with the thumbs up on the cover of every magazine! If I see Tom Cruise flashing his enormous pearly whites one more time I will jump off a bridge.
People who ask unanswerable questions yet still demand answers:
Idiot: Why is it so hot?
Me: Dunno.
Idiot: Seriously, why is it so hot?
Me: Because it's July?
Idiot: Okay, but why is it so hot?
Me: Something about the air pressure and the position of the sun?
Idiot: Hmm. That's why it's so hot?
I'm not perfect. I'm bitter and jaded and the tender old age of twenty-five. But I have a saying that I'll stand by: the world would be a better place if it wasn't for other people. And that's a fact.
Article by: Elisabeth Galina
With Xmas right around the corner, these hilarious gag gift boxes are the perfect revenge for the sock-giver in your family. Watch them uncomfortably feign excitement as they unwrap "The Make-Your-Own-Umbrella Kit" or "The USB Toaster", make up to 5 pieces of toast in just 30 minutes!!! F@cking awesome.
Bored with steak & potatoes, or the low rent version (burger & fries)? Well, go east, young wo/man, far east! Japanese foods are, for the most part, tasty and healthy. They can also be... well, weird. Now I hesitate to use the 'W' word because taste is such a subjective sense. Even so, every culture has its more unusual foods - some so strange even most of the natives won't touch 'em with a ten foot tongue.
Having been to Japan a number of times and being a somewhat adventurous sort where food is concerned, I've made it my business (and pleasure) to seek out strange taste sensations one just can't get at home. Japan may be 98% unicultural but that doesn't mean the food is the same everywhere you travel - just the opposite! Every province strives to distinguish themselves through festivals, photo ops and foods like ice cream. Especially ice cream...
This can lead to some unfortunate results. Cool, delicious ice cream has often been used to promote North American fairs - not because it tastes good, but to get attention. Why else make Jalapeno Pepper or Garlic flavored ice cream unless you're angling for a live report from Action News? So it is in Japan, but taken to the extreme - and beyond! Visitors to the town of Taiji, a traditional center of Japan's whaling industry, can dig into ice cream liberally spiked with Whale meat. It's no fluke, either, whale is only one of many marine-flavored dairy delicacies. Oyster, Crab, Fish (with Brandy), Eel, Jellyfish, Shrimp, Squid Ink and Octopus flavors are all available in Japan, though you might have to hunt for some of the more obscure seasonal or regional ones. If you can't decide on one of these deep sea delights, Seawater ice cream pretty much covers it.
What's that you say, you prefer meat to seafood? Japan has got your ice cream, meat lovers! Chicken wing aficionados dunk their drumsticks in dozens of different dips, but would they devour Chicken Wing ice cream for dessert? If the thought of that gets your goat, well, go for goat - Goat Milk ice cream, with chunks of goat meat mixed right in! Other meaty melanges include Ox Tongue and something called "Basashi"... raw horse meat. I kid you not, Basashi is considered a delicacy in Japan. Basashi ice cream, not so much, but it does exist... if only to give us jaded writers something to shock you with.
Vegans too can get the scoop on strange Japanese ice creams, though this short list of freaky flaves may send them running: Corn, Silk, Fried Eggplant, Charcoal and - "do I make you thorny, baby?" - Cactus. Silk ice cream is made from overstocked silkworm cocoons... waste not, want not, I say. Gross as all of these may sound, reports are that some of them, at least, don't taste all that bad. Besides, is Corn Ice Cream really so strange when we enjoy Corn Pops cereal with milk? Sometimes you have to go Far Out to get something out of the ordinary!
Article by: Steve Levenstein
Article: Love Hurts... Or Just Looks That Way
From Japan, of course, come weird fetishes beyond even YOUR imagination! One of the oddest is "Kegadol", a term that roughly translates to "Injured Idol". Many Japanese actress/model/singers fall into the Idol category and their fans include that mysterious subclass known as Otaku - obsessed shut-ins who are Japan's answer to Star Trek geeks. What I'm leading up to is the result of a certain mindset that sees women as not only objects of desire, but objects of affection who need protection.
Now, "protection" FROM the geeks is what I'm thinking... the geeks, on the other hand, see themselves as the protectors. Maybe this helps them feel empowered - who can say? The fact is, Kegadol magazines and DVDs have found a receptive audience in Japan. Even creepier, the phenomenon seems to be spreading to other countries, with one variation being something called Cast Fetish. I think the name says it all... or at least, all I'm going to get into here! Even Hollywood has gotten into the Kegadol act. Think about one-eyed nurse Elle Driver from Kill Bill, or the machine-gunning amputee from Grindhouse? Unsettling, yes. Forgettable, not on your life.
So, what exactly is Kegadol? Take one part Lolita Complex, mix with a shot or two of Cosplay (costume play) and shake gently. Well, maybe not so gently - Kegadol models wear bandages and eye patches, after all. They pose with pained expressions that say "have pity on me!", though there's a hint of a sultry come-on behind their cyclopean stares. It's all, as they say, mostly harmless since no actual idols were hurt during the production of their photo spreads. I'm guessing their incomes weren't hurt either.
Think you'd like to add a dash of Japanese weirdness to YOUR love life? Kegadol will do it - in spades! Plus, it's neither complicated nor expensive - a browse down the first-aid aisle of your local drug store should net you a variety of gauze wrappings, eye patches and even a surgical mask. If it's white, it's right! Go all out if you like - a roll of bathroom tissue is all you need to make you cry for mummy. And, just like with any gift, the unwrapping is the best part!
Article by: Steve Levenstein
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Photography by the exceptionally talented: Susan Moss