Being on the social media team for a good-looking celebrity chef is a lot like having access to a sorority sister’s Tinder account: Both involve a lot of sifting through pathetic pick-up lines. We’ve pulled together a handful of our favorite sketchy notes to Nadia G. for your viewing entertainment. Enjoy! And please — learn from these mistakes.
1. The Firefighter
This in itself isn’t so sketchy. Maybe a little delusional, but you’re allowed to ask a woman to text you. What’s a bad idea, though, is asking someone to text you when your effing significant other is pregnant. That’s right, dude. As much as we love a family man, either clean up your act or at least change the privacy settings on your Facebook page so the objects of your misplaced affection don’t see the ultrasound photo you posted.
2. The Jenga Master
Hey… QUESTION FOR YA! Do you even know how Jenga works? It’s a game involving wooden blocks and gravity, neither of which really, you know, exist on the internet. We didn’t reply because either (a) you don’t realize this, in which case we’re not sure you’re even capable of holding a conversation, or (b) you do realize this, in which case you’re probably the kind of guy we’ve been warned about since grade school. Sorry to, uh, knock over your “tower,” buddy.
3. The Reassuring Husband
Sure, man. Nothing will convince your wife you’re not obsessive like an out-of-the-blue message from the woman you’re obsessing over! There’s really only one reassuring thing about a request like this: If you ever actually do cheat on her, at least she’ll know what’s up after she gets the note from the other woman assuring her that there is, in fact, no sex going on.
4. The War Buff
Because nothing assures a woman of your sexual prowess like a pick-up line referencing goddamned trench warfare. Fire in the hole! Also: sound like Yoda, you do.
5. The Believer (brace yourselves)
There really aren’t words to describe this series of messages — because this dude used ALL OF THEM. And this is only one tiny portion of the onslaught. We’d make more jokes about this guy, but something tells us we really don’t want to be on his bad side. Slowly. Walk. Away.
6. The Encourager
Look, strong LGBT role models are important. We get that. But WHOA, lady, this is an awfully presumptuous claim!! And what, Nadia’s not a good enough role model as it is? Sheesh!
7. The Realist
Amen, brother. When is enough enough?
(Some of these messages have been shortened for your sanity.)
By Ben Adlin